So alas its not only the return of my end of the Year blog which I used to do back in the days of MySpace, but its also the start of this my new official blog! so sit back relax and enjoy the ride!!!!
So where to begin... to make it easiest lets just start at the beginning of the year and let me say that it was one hell of a start! It really does seem like another lifetime ago. Coming of the heels of what was for so many people I know the worst year ever (2009), it didn't look like my new year was gonna be any better. To start off had a couple of really bad emotional breakdowns both which were kinda public. With the stress of school and home problems and personal problems I reached my breaking point and I think the oddest part to me was that that's when I realized how I wasn't as alone as I thought it was. As the months went by though these breakdowns turn into what as look back now very key points in opening my eyes to just how truly blessed I am. As a result I am now calling 2010 the year of my Awakening. Why? the reason being that as I said before, the breakdowns brought me back to a very raw emotional state. One that to be honest I had been avoiding for a couple years now simply because I was not ready to face and actually had been running from. With pretty much every tear I could possibly shed and every emotion I could possibly feel, I was left in a state of self awareness that I soooo did not see coming. By June I was already starting to look very much inward to see how I could really let go of all the unhappiness and anger I was feeling, that at times I could not place. As the time has gone on, I really starting asking myself questions that I really didn't want to answer, but alas it started and it really hasn't stopped. For example, everyone for the most part knows I'm gay, and for the most part everyone accepts me for who I am. But the most important person who didn't was Me! I really had to face the fact that yes I am gay and no it wasn't gonna go away. Yes, it wasn't til this year that I had to go and actually say out loud that I forgiven myself for being gay, because part of me really still thought it was wrong. There was a moment after that I really started realizing that I was blaming myself for so much and that the only way to move forward was to forgive myself. And so I did, Im now in the process where I really am thinking about me, and dealing with a lot of issues I chose to ignore for such a long time. I think when it comes the overall lesson that I have learned from this is that, for a while I thought that my happiness really could only come from getting out of my situations, that I would only be happy if all my problems were solved and well only then could I be happy. Oh how wrong I was, mainly because I learned that happiness really is a choice. Not everything in my life will be perfect, cause then where would all the excitement and drama be, hahaha just kidding. I ended up realizing that I will always have problems to deal with, that not everyday will be a good day, that not everything will go the way I plan, but in the end it will all be okay. That life does go on and there really is a path to follow and just like math it builds on itself. Everything that you go through, its just a preparation for the next thing. And instead of fearing it, simply say C'est La Vie, deal with it and move on, but above all Learn the Lesson! cause until you do the Universe will just keep trying it to teach it to you and thats not always so pleasant.
Well just like every year people come in and out of my life. I think the best way to describe this is by this quote: "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime" and this year was no different. over the course of the last year some of my friendships really grew into what they were meant to be and some fizzled out as it was their time to end. Was I happy about this not necessarily, losing a friend is something that hurts me to my core, because for a while my friends really were the family that I wanted and needed to have. I guess that a lot of the things that have happened with friends is that some while they are very good people they are just not meant to be in my life. I have changed and as time is progressing I am seeing that some dont like where I'm headed simply because what once held us together, that is now the very thing that is keeping us apart. but alas what is it there to do but move on and so I shall.
Speaking of family, while my family did face so much this year the departure of one very loved person (to clarify she didnt pass, just cant be with us for now) it also saw the return of another. In regards to myself I think this year I finally realized that while I cannot pick my family, cutting the connection from them as I had done for so long was not good either. And so I started connection with more than anyone my mother. While our relationship has not been good in the past, Im working on it and while its not completely all good yet, it sure has gotten better.
And so we come to one of the events this year that really I never ever saw coming, like ever! A BOY!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH! from the very moment I met him something clicked in me that had never clicked before. while it took some time for me to realize exactly what my feelings for him were, once I realized I knew I was doomed. Well the reason I say that is because he and I became very good friends. and the closer we got the more I was like damn! no not him! I wish i could say this has a happy ending but as it stands now, it doesnt. You see I really have been afraid of my own damn feelings all the time, always making excuses as to why I dont approach guys, or so scared of rejection that I never say anything and just walk away from the ones I like. But somehow this whole situation was so odd and so new that I took a chance and layed all my cards out on the table, which wasnt easy whats so ever, specially cause I knew that there was a huge risk that I would loose my friendship with him if I spoke my feelings out loud. And being the Virgo that I am i thought about and thought about and of course, my logic was telling me not, that I would loose my friendship with him, while my heart of course was telling me the opposite. So what did I choose?..... Well I build up the courage and went with my heart. And while I didnt get the answer I wanted, Im okay because if this is truly where it ends well I can walk away and not wonder "what if?" and so Im not a complete wreck! YAY! hahaha did it hurt yes, does it still hurt not having him around anymore, yeah cause he was a very dear friend but its okay cause if its meant to be it will be, if not well I at least tried!
And so as this year ends I look back and realize that by at least trying, im good! I know things wont always go my way, but thats no reason to give up. I'm not delusional to think oh everything will be okay, no it wont, I will have bad days, but its okay. Cause no matter what comes my way I will choose to look for the lesson in it, take it in and move on. My past has left me with some scars but its okay cause if not I would not be the person I am today, a strong, confident resilient ass mothafucka! Fear its still part of me, but everyday I face it with a giant as smile and say bring it on, cause I am Good! So 2011 I know you will be a better year but just in case Im ready for what you got in stored for me!
Bonne Annee!
"No matter how much I love you, You're never gonna love me" and thats how it started. I didnt know it but thats what I needed to tell myself, to say out loud to realize how true those words were. Lately I've been energized to write poems again, but it was not out of creativity but more out of pain, it was the need to speak those words out loud in hopes that the one person I wanted to talk to the most would listen. But it wasnt til I uttered those words yesterday morning that I realize how true they were, and now Im Pissed! Why? well more than anything its anger towards myself. Anger, for the fact that I let this go on for so long. I cant say that I have been in love so many times, but this last time was the closest I've gotten in a long time, and to be honest it made me act like a damn fool. this situation made forget that you cant ever make someone feel a certain way, that you cant ever make someone love you. If they dont see it, well its really not my fault. I am a great catch and I hate the fact that for a while I let this person think I wasnt. In the last two days was that by just stepping away I realized just where I stood and how it was time to let go. Letting go is never easy and it hurts like a bitch but you have to do it, if the situation is no good for you. Lesson Learned! again! LOL! Well in true my life is very dramatic kinda way, today I got up and there was only one song I wanted to hear and that was Sara Bareilles' Between the Lines. Didnt know why I knew this was the song I needed to listen to this morning but once I let it play and just listen to the lyrics, it was exactly what I needed to hear. So I give thanks to the universe cause I think this was the way it was letting me know that I'm back on the right path. :)
